"You look happier!" is in my opinion one of the best compliments a person can get. I do get compliments everyday from my colleagues and friends, but am I happy? I am trying to be... but I kinda am in dark place right now. Why am I telling you this now... Sometimes reading about similar situations helps people. They relate what happens to them with the stories they read and sometimes it is relieving to know that somebody else's story resonates with yours.
As I always say I try to be healthy. I am a vegetarian. I drink 3 litres of water daily, I take my vitamins, I workout, and I do full body medical checkups from time to time. So nothing could go wrong right? I'm a textbook healthy person. But mentally it's not the case. I do have ptsd from a prolonged trauma I wish not to talk about but I was maintaining my stress levels. But with the injury to my back ( it was a slipped lumbar spinal disc first but now its compressing a nerve) I am daily going through an unbearable pain. I usually have a 2 hours journey in the morning to the university( I am not allowed to be in the same position for more than 20 minutes but do I have a choice but to sit down in a bus?) and straight go to the lecture hall to use 3 chairs as a temporary bed. None of the prescribed high dose painkillers are working so the ortho surgeon even gave a fluoroscopy guided corticosteroid injection. Still it's not working. Site of pain is swollen and I am unable to sit for more than 10 minutes anymore. I am also not allowed to workout and therefore I'm losing my body alongside my sanity.
I keep getting emotionally abused on a daily basis yet I have nothing to do about it because it has nothing to do with me. What's happening to me has nothing to do with me and it is only the fault of the abusers. If you are someone who is going through the same please know that it's never your fault. There are some people who are broken and what's happening to you is out of your control. You absolutely cannot change another persons behaviour. You are a victim but you do not need to see yourself as weak. Leave the toxic environment asap and be strong. I do understand that there is a point where you can't take it anymore and feeling like quitting. But you my dear are too beautiful to quit. You do not have to quit because someone else doesn't know how to respect another human being. (Why do I feel like I'm talking to myself. Haha!)
Everyday is a struggle. Days are longer and nights are darker. Every scorn and mockery suffocates me and I pray that the evil may gain a heart of wisdom before he eleventh hour.
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